Searching For Kat

From the age of about 23 to almost 27, I was, unwittingly, searching for Kat. At that age I thought my search would have resulted in finding someone more Marilyn Monroe like and less Audrey Hepburn like; a little more subservient and a lot less feisty. No Irish Catholic sensibilities because I had no idea of what they are; not truly god loving at her heart, because I didn’t know what that was and didn’t see the need for that. Someone who would have joined me in making fun of people instead of seeing people as beautiful, but sometimes flawed, always worthy of love and encouragement. So I found Kat and she found me.

For 48 years we shared our lives and I changed a little. She captured my heart from the very beginning which changed me more than anything else. She changed somewhat but not in anything that was important because she always had the important human qualities within her.

Since September 11, 2015 I have been searching for her again. I want her to come to me in my dreams. Until last night I hadn’t had any dreams of her. Once, about two months ago, I heard her say in a very clear voice, “I love you, Bob” just before I got up in the morning. Last night I dreamt I was in some city, with a lake or river alongside it, or dividing it. It could have been either New York or Seattle except the buildings were much more futuristic. I was trying to find Kat. We had gotten separated and I didn’t know where she was. I searched for her; I tried to call her on her cell phone but I kept on hitting the wrong number and had to re-dial. I asked people for help as to how to cross the river. These events kept on repeating and no one was able to help me. It seemed to be a long dream.

Finally, Kat appeared in front of me. She was wearing the denim jacket she wore so often, and jeans. She looked as she did when she was 40 years old, which meant she looked about 30. She had the same sweet demeanor she had most of the time, except when she was being feisty. Her look said everything is okay. I did not hear her speak. I had finally found her.

Yesterday I was in the supermarket when I thought to myself “I want to find someone I can love as much as I love Kat. I want that person to love me as much as Kat loved me”. Then I said to myself, “that is not going to happen”. I know I will be searching for Kat again. I hope she is searching for me. God, do I hope that.

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