Kat told her sister, Dee, that she wanted to go before me. I never thought of either one of us going first.   It  never occurred to me to think to how I would feel after Kat was gone.  Either I never anticipated  it happening  or I could not bring myself to think about what my  reactions would be.  I am living a life I never thought of or dreamed of. 

The deep love that we share could only be followed by intense grief.  Grief is not solely sad. There is the further realization of how much Kat meant, and means, to me; there is the almost constant remembering  of everything good  that Kat did for me and gave to me; and did and gave to others.  There is my wanting other people to know her and love her as I do. And I don’t want her to be forgotten.  That is why I write so often. All accompanied by copious tears.

I am trying to move ahead but I don’t really know what that means.  She was and is everything to me, as I am to her.

I can’t stop thinking of her and I don’t want to.  I will continue writing because that is how I both deal with my grief and honor Kat.